I Love You

Each year teaching I have had one child in particular that stands out for various reasons behavior-wise in my classroom.  Teaching is incredibly difficult and to be honest I struggle with it daily.  Each year I've had one student in particular that chooses to challenge and test my faith, my patience, and my ability to be a teacher.   Often as a teacher, I feel I am the "bad guy."  I'm the one who has to tactfully approach parents about testing, special needs, or counseling  I'm the one who has to give consequences, follow through on them, contact parents, and take away activities.  I'm the one who has to setup meetings, share stories, seek help, and get advice.  And often times it's difficult.  Communication is difficult.  More precious time is lost.   My schedule fills.  I feel lost and unsupported.

But, I can't give up.  I fight for my students.  There isn't a part of me that has ever felt like giving up on one of them.

I question things a lot.  Like, why does a child behave this way?  Am I a terrible teacher?  Am I bad person?  Why do these situations always seem to find me?  Do I have to follow through on a consequence again?  Or, oh no, what happened now?  How can I escape this impending battle?  And mostly, I question myself.

And so Thursday, after one of the most challenging weeks I've ever faced, as I was busy tying knots to dreamcatchers, encouraging students to work more quickly, and running around my classroom to quickly get our activities done, a student, who often challenges me and sees me as the bad guy, came up and whispered in my ear, "I love you."  The student ran back to his/her desk to continue his/her work, and I shocked, sat there and thought, but you always say you don't like me.  After all that, and all we go through as teachers, that one "I love you" is what I choose to hold onto.  

And, I, love you too.

Mountains

This past week I was on Fall Break.  I debated staying in Denver or heading home for awhile.  Home won.  The week was fantastic and incredibly perfect (I wonder how that happened ;)

I saw my family, best friend since Jr. High, my closest family friends, my college friends, UCTC friends, college professors and a Honduran friend.  How is it that all those people could be present for my one week home, not sure, but I know it was one of the best miracles I've ever received!

In addition to all those incredible miracles, I learned that Joe Mattingly and the Newman Singers would be performing at my home church, St. Raphael's, another reason why St. Raphael's is still the best parish around!  Joe Mattingly wrote and composed one of my all-time favorite songs, "On That Holy Mountain."  I was also blessed because they performed at mass, which was kind of surprising considering it's often played around Christmas . . . more miracles.

I wish I had a beautiful recording of this song, youtube, is wonderful, but lacks in the church song department.  This song ever since it was sung by one of my fave cantors, Seth growing up, and then at Lessons and Carols at SMC, and always at St. Raphael's, moves me to tears.

And boy, when I returned to my mountains this morning, and admired the brightening blue sky glowing above the peaks with stars twinkling above, I couldn't help but smile and thank God.  And, as I drove to school, only half ready for the return to reality,  I couldn't help but repeat the line "led by all the children . . . "

Thanks for the miracles and the mountains.

Year of Faith

Well, I'm back.  And with a vengeance!

Not really, about the vengeance part.  But the blog, yes, is back.

I was lounging around today, still in my pj's, cup of tea in hand, embracing the calm peace that is Fall Break, when I started pondering on the importance of today- the beginning of the Year of Faith.  

I knew that this “Year of Faith” was approaching, but in the chaos of life, I kept on putting off my research into why this is the Year of Faith and what the means for me.  So I got out Esperanza (trusty computer) and began google-ing.  One of the purposes of this year is to engage in a deeper and more profound faith.  Sounds like a call and a challenge to me (something I've never shied away from), so I began to ask myself, "What am I to do?"  

Cue new searches of "what to do for the Year of Faith."  There are lots of ideas.  Pray the rosary more, attend adoration, watch videos, read this and that, get more involved in church, read a blog, share your faith, evangelize, go to mass, go to confession, practice gratitude/trust/humility/forgiveness.  Fantastic ideas!  And all are areas in which I need to grow.  But, what shall I do.  I thought and prayed about it all day and then it came to me—return to my blog!

Why make my Year of Faith project a return to blogging?  Well, the reasons abound.  This may have begun as a blog about Honduran adventures, but hey life itself is an adventure, why limit my blogging life!  Since leaving Honduras I've received a few requests to continue the blogging, but I gave myself a myriad of excuses and put it off.

Over the past few (very challenging) weeks, though this nagging often arose: "If only I could blog about that . . . or that."  Why?  Well for one, I love to write.  I always have.  My writing may be exceptionally wordy, but I do enjoy it.  Shockingly, journaling was never been a part of my life until two years ago.  Now I do it almost daily and crave more.  Two, sometimes things are easier for me to say in words.  I'm not a phone talker.  I get nervous and anxious and never say the things I really want to say and when I hang up I think...Gee why didn't I or if only I said...  Three, there's something encouraging, hopeful, and inspiring about writing to a community.  Sometimes writing in my journal for just myself doesn't cut it.  I don't always receive comments on my posts and I don't need them (although *hint* I do love them :-) nor do I know if anybody is actually reading this, but the thought that I'm sharing with some sort of community inspires me to keep writing, sharing, growing, serving, loving, yadda yadda yadda.  Four, life since moving to Denver is HARD.  It's lonely, challenging, overwhelming, busy, and frustrating.  It’s filled with joy, laughter, adventure, and love, too—just like Honduras.  So, I ask myself, why not share it? 

Five, something that has been "missing" (or better put developing and growing) since moving to Denver is community life.  The past three years of my life I've spent living in intentional community with others.  And I LOVE it!  I love everything there is to eat, sleep, live, and breathe about community.  And having known that life for 3 years, I miss it.  A LOT.  I'm incredibly grateful for my small and growing community in Denver, but I miss having spirituality as a built in part of my day and an intentional group of people to come home to. Since moving to Denver, I've had to shift a lot of my practices from community-oriented to internally oriented, which is incredibly difficult for an extroverted person like myself to do!  It was easy for me to deepen my faith and learn and grow and challenge myself when others were around to push me, teach me, grow with me, and hold me accountable.  And while I'm the luckiest because I still have those people praying for me and pushing me from afar, it's different.  I find myself becoming increasingly lazy about things when I'm my only physically present "pusher."  So, again, the blog seemed necessary.  I know that if I have a community (albeit an unknown cyberspace one) I'll be more inspired to read and learn and grow and have people to share it with.

So here it is a new twist on my blog.  Daily life, photos, joys, sorrows, and adventures with some additional faith-filled musings thrown in.  No expectations, no requirements, but an outlet to share with a blogging community my life, my adventures, and my year of faith.