Thursday, January 16, 2014

Lesons in Humility

       "So I think, though, that as much as you're doing with them, this is an ongoing problem that we face every year, and I think it needs to come from me, not you.  So, I'll just organize the lessons and you can tell me when fits into your schedule.  And, you can go relax, get a coffee.  I'll take care of this."
       This year has been beyond challenging.  Another new school.  Another new grade level.  Change.  Change. Change.  Stress.  Pressure.  Overload.  I feel like people often throw around quotes that refer to things getting better or easier over time.  I question that one.  I've been teaching now for almost 5 years and with the exception of that first, crazy, whirlwind, lost year that is first year teaching, I disagree.  Instead, I think each year has been more difficult and challenging than the last.  
       I've been struggling a lot at school this year, but more than that I've been struggling with myself.  Struggling to understand and make sense of these challenges.  Trying to solve problems and answer the questions that invade my mind.  One such question that I try to focus on is, "God, what am I supposed to learn from this new challenge?"  
      I've been grappling with the answer to that question since the beginning of the year.  I've tried piecing together this year's particular hurdles into patterns.  I came back to this question more intensely when contemplating my New Year's Resolutions for 2014.  I thought if I could sort of pinpoint a common thread through the obstacles I face, then I could devise a plan that allows me to be more accepting of the challenge.  As stressed out and uptight as I get about challenge, I am also a thrill-seeker and I thrive on challenge.  My comfort zone, however, with challenges is rather narrow.  I like to enter into the challenge with a purpose and a plan to face it, learn, fail, and hopefully grow.
               This year's challenges have really taken me outside of my comfort zone as I struggled to find something specific that I could work on to face these challenges with a better mindset.  And then, I had this particular conversation and I began to piece things together for myself.
          I can be rather stubborn, strong-willed, and protective, especially when it comes to my teaching.  I spend a lot of time planning, grading, worrying, tutoring, discussing, and the list goes on for my classroom.  I'm by no means perfect, in fact i often feel incredibly inadequate as a teacher.  But, I do take my craft very seriously.  I give my all, all the time.  In fact, I take it way too seriously.
        Which, at first, was harshly pointed out to me during this conversation, because my first reaction was to take offense at it.  I'm not good enough?  I can't do this on my own? (I hate asking for help)  The problems in my class have escalated so far, that I need someone else to combat them for me?  Most specifically the dislike of me in my classroom has increased so much that a series of lessons need to be taught to me class about how to not gossip about me.
          At first, I saw it as a major WHAM!  An insult, even.  How come I'm not enough?  Why can't I be a apart of the lessons?  Why am I not making a positive difference in their lives?  I need help?
          Humility.  I can't do everything flying solo.  I need help.  Yeah sure I may spend hours laboring over this craft, but that will never be enough.  I'm not perfect, never will be, never want to be.  It's a dose of much needed humility.  People are given as gifts from God for the very purpose of being a supportive community.  You don't have to do everything alone.  It's not an insult.  It's not looking down on you.  It's a simple reminder that we're all merely human--weak, sinful, lost, small, and insignificant.
      Reflecting back over the course of this year, I am now more aware of hints and signs to a need for increased humility.  You see, while this has been a difficult year, it's also the first year in my teaching career that I am supported.  In the past, I was working in environments that provided me with no back-up, guidance, help, nothing.  So I had to do it all and do it all on my own.  In four years, that's what I've become accustomed to, but I don't have to be anymore.  I've got the most supportive administration.  Now I've just got to let them in, let them do their job, let myself reach out to the help that's willingly there.
      So all in one swoop I got a crushing blow with an answer to my prayer.  I got served and I got a focus to my challenge.  I got a new lens through which I can tackle each day, and it's through humility.  I don't have it today, won't have it tomorrow.  But I can promise to attempt to be open to its presence in my life.  I can promise to commit to learning more about humility.  I can promise to try to be a more humble servant.