Poco a Poco

I believe I have another entry entitled poco a poco, but it seems only fitting that my return to blogging share the same title since this continues to be my mantra for 3rd world, Honduran life. There are many reasons I haven't updated recently. I wanted to catch up and write about the joys of Christmas, but that seemed challenging to do since the post-Christmas return to Honduras has been anything but joyous. Then I didn't want to post about the return because I didn't want to write out all the crazy stuff that has been happening, but I guess it's reality. And real life deserves to be shared, maybe in sharing more prayers can be said and more lessons can be learned.

December was a fantastic month in Juti. I promise to give it the time and attention it deserves when life settles down a bit. But December included Deirdre's birthday celebrations, a weekend volunteer trip, Bridget's visit, la Feria de Juticalpa, and of course Christmas celebrations. I think it was the first month in which the general volunteer consensus was, "Wow! This is a great life! We love Honduras! We can totally do this!" That changed for me, however, a week before heading home from Christmas. One of my roommates Catie made the very challenging choice that she would not be able to return to Honduras after Christmas. Life lesson number 1 that you cannot get comfortable with life in Honduras. Suddenly, sorry mom and dad, I was dreading going home for Christmas because it would mean saying goodbye to Catie.

But then life lesson number 2 from Honduras, you always find away to adapt, be flexible, persevere, and be resilient. I found out from Peggy that I would be able to move downtown and that my other roommate Jess and I would have to split up and move in with the other girls. If there was one thing that I wanted to change about my Honduran experience it was the location of my house. I never liked nor felt comfortable building community so far away from everyone else. So, I went into the return from Christmas, ready for a challenge, expecting to have to deal with the loss of Catie, but excited at the prospect that this event could transpire into my desire to move and build stronger community here.

So my return to Juticalpa was an interesting one. I was sad to leave home, as I always am to leave behind a wonderful home life. But, upon my return to my home here in Honduras, I felt a rush of peace upon resettling into Honduran life. That sense of peace continued until Wednesday. Normally I hate cleaning, but I joyfully got to work Monday and Tuesday night sweeping, mopping, cleaning out the refrig, bleaching the pila, etc. On Wednesday, Jess and I walked downtown to stock up on food and I remembered how much I love walking around and going to the market and eating baleadas and enjoying a slow life. My kids were absolutely FANTASTIC. They were more full of love and life and joy than ever before. We fell right back into a rhythm and they just could not stop giving me hugs!

Wednesday night, however, saw a repeat of Life lesson #1 and my Honduran life got flipped upside down. Unfortunately, 2 of my fellow volunteers were robbed in their home. That incident combined with the fact that the Peace Corps is going on administrative leave from Honduras, forced our program to enact our emergency plan. That evening my house was determined to be the safest location and all the volunteers and 2 security guards were moved into my house.

This terrible event has lead to complete chaos and complete restructuring of our program. After living together crammed, legit crammed, mattress to mattress in our humble La Colonia abode for 3 nights with stress and anxiety levels at an all-time high, the board of the foundation I'm volunteering for met to discuss our future in Honduras. The temporary decision made was to move us into a 5-Star Hotel for the week to help calm stresses and nerves and ease anxiety. Never thought I'd see the day that I would live in a 5-star hotel in Honduras...pool, jacuzzi, hot shower, running water, flat screen TV, pool bar, and free breakfasts.

Try as they might to reduce stress levels, while the luxuries of home were nice, hotel living is not all its cracked up to be. Plus, luxuries do not make problems go away nor do they provide us with lunch and dinner. And so my week at school was a very distracted, disorganized, unprepared, full moon, crazy kids, low patience sort of week. As I could not escape the preoccupations of my parents, family, and friends and my own worries about where I would be living and not only living but most importantly living safely.

If that wasn't enough, Brita decided to go home. She was one of the girls that was robbed and she made the very difficult choice to say goodbye to school and Honduras to return home to her family. I'm proud of Brita for being able to make that choice and I know it's the best one for her, but that doesn't make the additional loss any easier for me. Brita, like Catie and Lucia, will hopefully always remain very close friends of mine as I have come to trust them, open up to them, rely on them, and learn from them so much in this experience.

Yesterday we all had to move back into my house in La Colonia because we couldn't find another house suitable for living in. So now we're all crammed back in. It was less stressful than anticipated as Carlos and some workers came over to the house and moved actual beds in for us, cleaned up, moved in a washing machine, got us a TV, etc. So now each of our bedrooms has 2 people in it and Lacey comes back on Sunday, not real sure where her bed will be going yet......but we'll try to find the best solution. We're hoping to secure another house in our neighborhood so that we can have a little breathing room, but that won't be for 2-3 weeks. So until, then it will be tight living.

We're also still on a lockdown sort of living situation. We are supposed to limit trips out of our little La Colonia for extra safety precaution. So it's pretty much school-home-school-home-school. We are going to get a car and Peggy is learning how to drive in Honduras and a manual car. Otherwise we aren't technically supposed to walk around town ever and we have to be home by 6 or in a car. So, crammed living is made more crammed by the inability to leave.

So Honduran life as usual is at its absolute craziest. I'm missing Brita and Catie like no other. I have no aide in 1st grade again as she is covering other classes. 7 people live in one tiny house. I would love to just get outside and go for a bike ride, but I can't. I had so many plans and hopes and dreams for this 2nd half of my Honduran adventure that I feel are just slipping through my fingers. Lots of traveling, friends visiting, places to go, nights of dancing, moving downtown, school productivity, etc. But, as I've learned, I can't get comfortable with this life and I must be able to continuously persevere, change things up, and keep on keeping on. These are realities of 3rd world life and at least I can say when this is finished that I've truly lived in solidarity with many of my students who also lament about losing people in their lives, living in worry, and feel stuck to a school-home-school-home life as they don't have a car or feel unsafe leaving those areas.

Sometimes I sit down and just laugh at all the craziness that has happened to me here. Because, when I look at it all and see the challenges, I shouldn't want to be here. But yet I still do. I mean I'm not yet okay with this new lifestyle and I wish I could blink my eyes and go back to the way things were, I really, really do. I wonder a lot if I'll be able to make it until June in these new conditions and with the continued amount of challenge and stress and my inability to complement teaching with fun adventures. But I'm working at achieving peace with that. I knew coming here that it was going to be a VERY challenging year, but I never expected it to be THIS challenging. I never expected it to be so full of loss either. I wish I could write a post full of joy and love for my vida hondurena, but right now I can't and thats the reality of living in a 3rd world county. I'm safe, I'm loved, I'm very supported, and I know that I want to keep on doing this. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'm sure whatever it is, it will be another challenge. I'm not ready to face it and I feel as if each challenge will be the last. But what I do know is that the support and faith I have will always see me through and in the end this adventure may be different than the one I anticipated and it may be full of challenge in loss, but it will also be full of growth, learning, and faith.

poco. a. poco.